Have a good laugh!

Joke #24
Submitted by Melissa R.

Two nuns were driving down a dark road in Transylvania. All of a sudden, Dracula appears in the middle of the road. The car slams to a halt in front of the vampire. The first nun turns to the second and says: "Oh dear. Better show him your cross" To this, the second nun rolls down her window, sticks her head out and yells: "Get out the road you fanged moron!"

Joke #23
Submitted by Tamocat

The New York Times reports that this is part of an actual transcript from a trial report from the Alameda, California DA's office: Lawyer: Before You signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? Pathologist: No. Lawyer: Did you listen to the heart? Pathologist: No. Lawyer: Did you check for breatheng? Pathologist: No. Lawyer: So, when you signed the death cetificate you weren't sure he was dead, were you? Pathologist: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

Joke #22
Submitted by Cynthia Baker

A man was walking along when he spotted a small boy busily constructing something. He approached the boy and was shocked to see him playing with cow manure! For lack of anything better to say, he asked, "Little boy, what are you doing?" The boy replied, "I am making George Bush, Mister." The man asked, "Why are you making George Bush? Why not make Bill Clinton?" The boy answered, "Oh no Mister, I can't make Bill Clinton." "But why not?" asked the man. The boy replied "Well, Mister, there isn't enough bullshit here to make Bill Clinton."

Joke #21
Submitted by Marie Elizabeth

Q: What time do the vampires from Forever Knight feed? A: At TOOTH-o' clock!!!

Joke #20
Submitted by Epsilon 3

A Coloradan, a Californian, and a Texan were hiking in a forest when night fell. So they found an area, sat down, and made a campfire. Later that night the Californian decided to show off. He took out a bottle of White Zinfandel, gulped it down, threw the bottle up and shot it. The Texan looked at him and said "Why'd you do that?" The Californian replied "Oh, don't worry, we have more of that where I come from." So the Texan, not to be outdone, took out a bottle of whiskey, gulped it down, threw up the bottle and shot it. The Coloradan looked at him and said "Why'd you do that?" and the Texan replied "Oh, don't worry, we have more of that where I come from." So the Coloradan, not to be outdone by both of them, took out a bottle of Scotch, gulped it down, threw it up and shot the Californian. The Texan looked at the Coloradan and said "Why'd you do that?" The Coloradan looked at him and replied "Oh, don't worry, we have more of them where I come from.

Joke #19
Submitted by Hugo Trépanier

How does a chicken cross the road? NT Chicken: Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure. OS/2 Chicken: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed. Win 95 Chicken: You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like ... chicken. Microsoft Chicken (TM): It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road. OOP Chicken: It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message. Assembler Chicken: First it builds the road ... C Chicken: It crosses the road without looking both ways. C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him on the other side. VB Chicken: USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken) Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side. Java Chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets) Web Chicken: Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running. Gopher Chicken: Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken. Newton Chicken: Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket! Cray Chicken: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked. Quantum Logic Chicken: The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your course. Lotus Chicken: Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do! Mac Chicken: No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it to. Al Gore Chicken: Waiting for completion of NCI (Nation Chicken-crossing Infrastructure) and will cross as soon as it's finished, assuming he's re-elected and the Republicans don't gut the program. COBOL Chicken:     0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.     IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN        PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD        VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL           ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE     ELSE        GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING

Joke #18
Submitted by Romina Campos

Dear Sirs: I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the Accident Report Form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of my new six-story building; when I completed my work, I discovered I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which fortunately, was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the Accident Report Form, that my weight is 175 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding in a downward direction at an equally impressive rate of speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section III of the Accident Report Form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer again to my weight in Block 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth, and the severe lacerations on my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the pile of bricks in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope! Sincerely, __________________________

Joke #17
Submitted by Debbie L. Powers

A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!" This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer. Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

Joke #16
Submitted by Elizabeth Palmer

This man calls this house and a little boy answers. The little boy whispers "Hello." "Hello, is your Daddy home?" The little boy whispers, "Yes." "Can I talk to him?" The boy whispers, "No, he's busy." The man asks, "Mommy home?" "Yes." "Can I talk to her?" He whispers back, "No, she's busy." "Is there any other adults there?" Still whispering, "Yes, a police man and a fireman." "Well, can I talk to one of them?" "No, they're busy." Well, the man is just sitting there wondering what could be going on in that house so he asks "What are they doing to make them so busy?" The little boy whispers back, "Looking for me."

Joke #15
Submitted by Debbie L. Powers

A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time." Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out you guys! They're assholes!!"

Joke #14
Submitted by Debbie L. Powers

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her. Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and they get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

Joke #13
Submitted by Hugo Trépanier

Learn to be really annoying. Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way". Drum on every available surface. Staple papers in the middle of the page. Ask 800 operators for dates. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip... Honk and wave to strangers. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. Pay for your dinner with pennies. Light road flares on a birthday cake. Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador". Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One". Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. Name your dog "Dog". Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. Ask people what gender they are. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. Ask to "interface" with someone. Sing along at the opera. Mow your lawn with scissors. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend". Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook... something about "psychological profiles". Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".

Joke #12
Submitted by Hugo Trépanier

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating for very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove." "These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart." "I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have the chance to see you again." "When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing." "Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love." "P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

Joke #11
Submitted by Denis Labranche

You might want to send this to a friend, or a co-worker or... your boss!

I'm tired this morning. For several years, I've been blaming it on middle age, iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, air pollution, water pollution, saccharin, obesity, dieting, under-arm odor, and a dozen other maladies that make you wonder if life is really worth living. But now I found out, it ain't that. I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 200 Million. Eighty-four Million are retired. That leaves 116 Million to do the work. There are 75 Million in school, which leaves 41 Million to do the work. Of this total, there are 22 Million employed by the government. That leaves 19 Million to do the work. Four Million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 Million to do the work. Take from that the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting there reading this. No wonder I'm tired!

Joke #10
Submitted by Debbie L. Powers

I have an answering machine in my car. It says: "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

Joke #9
Submitted by Debbie L. Powers

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop: "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long."

Joke #8
Submitted by Debbie L. Powers

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign: "Didn't you see the stop sign?" "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read!"

Joke #7
Submitted by Debbie L. Powers

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?" St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" "I'll leave that up to you." "Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!" "Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter. "Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill. Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!??? "That was a demo," replied St. Peter.

Joke #6
Submitted by Debbie L. Powers

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."

Joke #5
Submitted by Debbie L. Powers

"First there was nothing and God said, "Let there be light." There was still nothing, but at least we could see it."

Joke #4
Submitted by Debbie L. Powers

G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."

Joke #3
Submitted by Debbie L. Powers

On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."

Joke #2
Submitted by Debbie L. Powers

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Joke #1
Submitted by Debbie L. Powers

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. Advising the President. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. Heard from David Letterman